Over the years, you and I have had our disagreements. There’s been press conferences where I’ve sat in the audience and I’ve sniggered at your occasional faux pas or the odd blank stare when you’re asked about Apple issues in Europe.
I’ve even written some pretty critical things about you. Nothing personal, you understand – but just because I like the products your company makes doesn’t mean that I have to agree with everything you do. I’m not going to defend you if you make the odd dumb mistake.
However, I’m prepared to put all that behind us. In the light of the deal you’ve done with Think Secret, where – it’s strongly rumoured – you’ve paid Nick Ciarelli a reasonably large sum of money to effectively close the site and shut up about your products, I’m willing to make this offer:
For £10,000, I promise that I will never write anything about Apple again. Not a word. Not a blog post, product review, news story or feature. Nothing.
Oh, I realise that £10,000 is a lot when converted into dollars. But with the billions of profits that Apple has made over the last year, I’m sure you can afford it. In fact, with the $15.4 billion cash and short term investments you have on hand, you could pay around 750,000 writers to stop writing about you, your company, and your products and still have change for some bagels and coffee.
Maybe you don’t want to blow the savings, though. So here’s a proposal: why not get rid of your PR department, and just pay the cash straight to bloggers and journalists in return for not writing about you?
After all, the only thing your PR department is allowed to say to people is “no comment” or occasionally “you know we don’t comment on future products”. There’s the odd party to organise, of course, and press releases to send out. But I’m sure that can all be outsourced, at a fraction of the cost of your permanent staff. You could probably pay hundreds of people per year not to write about your company for the cost of your PR department.
This is a one-time offer, Steve, so take advantage of it while you can. I’ll be waiting for your call – or you can email me. I’m sure you can find my address.